Why does my mind fill with thoughts of suicide when I’m focused on the things of God, inadequacies or flaws show up? On any other day this would not be the case.
Today was a day I decided to focus on what God has called me to do. Write. I spent the day in the word of God, studying and writing.
This should have been a great day. Life is about balance. Normally on Tuesday I would be working at the dental office, seeing patients, from 8am to 5pm and not studying and writing but today there was a winter storm and the roads were bad. In my mind I thought, God has made time for me to do what He has called me to do, write. So that is what I did from 830am to about 5pm.
My husband saw things a little differently. He saw that his wife and mother of his children didn’t have to work today and because she didn’t have to working she has time to catch up on the affairs of the house. Also in his mind he thought that the mountain of clothes in our bedroom bother me just as much as it bothered him. Unfortunately, we were on two different pages.
I had a plan for my day and it didn’t include house stuff until about 6pm. My husband had a plan for my day as well but I shut him down with my famous saying “Act like I am not here”. I found out today that he hates that saying. Again life is about balance.
Needless to say we ended up having a huge discussion about my being off and not taking time to handle household matters. From that conversation, I have discovered some life truths. Satan hates me. He hates everyone but especially the children of God doing the will of God. When you are function in the purpose God created you to functioning in Satan will use anyone or anything to confusion, distract and discourage you.
God has given me a talent and gift of writing. Sometimes people may not understand your gifts or callings. It is not their job to understand what God called you to do. Your gifts and talents are for you but there must be a balance.
At the end of the conversation with my husband I discovered that I was out of balance. I acknowledge that I have room to change and become better. I can’t be so spiritually minded that I am earthly no good. So I decided that when God finds time for me to write I will have a schedule that will include writing, studying and handling household affairs. I believe that this was a great plan, problem solved. Until the thought came into my mind that I was a horrible person because I forgot about my house and family responsibilities and that my family would be better off without me. Also, in my mind I heard “your husband could probably find a better wife if you dead”. I truly thought it was me until I realize I didn’t want to die.
Why am I being attacked in my mind? It was the hardest think to shake off. I had to encourage myself in the things of God. (How much He loves me) I had to self-talk and cast down that thought with the word of God. It sounds easy but it requires great focusing. Also from that moment, I understood that I must be doing something meaningful because an enemy will never attack if there is no threat. I received a confirmation that I was advancing the kingdom of God. The battle is always and will always be in the mind. The only way to be defeated is to be defeated in your mind first.
Don’t be fooled by this tactic. Guard your mind and your heart.